Sunday, 17 January 2016

Dear Diarmuid

It's been four years since you took your last breath. Four years since we spoke.

It feels like a lifetime ago.

Life, for me, is divided into two - the 'before' you died and the 'after'. It couldn't be any other way. You were inextricably linked to every single thing I did and felt and thought before 17th January 2012 - every meal, every bedtime story to the children, every holiday, every laugh, every car trip together, every decision about our children's education/hobbies/play dates/doctor's visits. *Everything*. Even when we weren't physically together, we were living this life together. And then you were gone. I had lost you and every aspect of my world changed forever and I had to become a different person.

I'd like to think you'd be proud now. Our boys are men. Our little girl is almost 12. All three are funny, mature, interesting human beings. You should hear the boys play guitar/drums/keyboards. You'd be blown away by them. You should hear Aisling talk about science, books, life. She's incredible. I wonder if you met us now how would you feel? Proud? Surprised?  Shocked? Disappointed? Annoyed? Happy? Sad? Would we feel shy together because it's been so long since we saw you? Would you recognise our personalities? What would you have done differently?

I've tried my best to keep things going. Some days I attack life and I fight hard to help the kids through a myriad of challenges. Other times, I just get too tired and all I can do is muddle through. Then there are days when I just give up. Parenting alone is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and there have been so many rough days since you went, so many unseen challenges. I wish I could say, four years on, that everything is perfect. It's not. There have been too many obstacles to overcome. But I will keep on muddling through. I'll keep on going and I'll keep on trying.

You would be so happy and relieved to know that some of our friends and family have been amazing and have stuck by us through all the rough times. You'd be upset and shocked to know that some have left and the kids and I no longer see or hear from them. They didn't have the patience to wait for us to "get over you" and they didn't have the warmth of heart to want to support us. But I forgive them. I pity them for their weakness. And also I hope they get big puss-filled painful boils on their asses. (I haven't changed THAT much I suppose.)

Diarmuid, my husband, the father of my children, but mostly my best friend, I want to assure you that you will always be remembered and always loved.

"The fact that someone is dead may mean that they are not alive, but doesn't mean that they do not exist." [Julian Barnes​]


  1. Excellent words. Right there with you in this new and unasked for life Deb, fighting, floundering and finding where and how we fit into this place we have found ourselves. All the while discovering humour where we never thought possible, keep (in)sane you amazing lady!

  2. So bloody true.
    It's hard having to adapt to our 'new life' and the 'friends' that have disappeared from the face of the earth can go **** themselves. We don't need them.

  3. You are so amazing, Deb. Massive hugs to you all xxx

  4. I just came across your blog today. It will be 3 years and 7 months since my dear husband left this planet. We were married for 43 years and were together three years before that. I miss him and love him deeply still.

    Love, hugs and prayers for you and your family, as you do your best with your three kids as you all grow through this grieving journey.


  5. I too am in the same boat. I am looking for answers for the future. Will my life ever get better? I feel so alone and lost. It's been 8-1/2 months.

    1. I believe it has to, we have to have hope. Keep trying with healthy choices and things will work out for the better. I do believe God will give you strength, He is molding you.

  6. OMG, so true this emotional roller coaster "widowhood" literally stinks. I look at all the local divorces I hear about and I say, "really". All I do is try my best to raise our youngest 2 children 11 and 16 and am so appreciative with all the kindness however I can't believe how insensitive some family members are. Do I really have to beg, to help with childcare. Do I really have to ask 20 time for my older sons to power wash the house. I am learning to do things that my husband did but really. I'm a Ft nurse and back in school to earn my NP for more $$ and better security. My free time is attending to my younger children's activities. My mother does limited help but honestly I wish my husband was here, and she wasnt, I h ate saying that but she's so negative it devours my emotional well being.
    I am angry at God, yet I do have hope and pray for strength,peace