Saturday, 31 August 2013
Grief, you shall not pass.... well okay so, just for today...
It's a slow and tiring day and another one that has caught me by surprise. I regularly decide to knock grief on its head - it's been 19 months after all. Yeah, I know grief has no timeline, it's different for everyone, it can't be rushed yada yada yada. But on a regular basis I say "I'm done. Grief, listen up. You do *not* define me, you will *not* hold me back, I am better now, I am healed, I will *not* be a martyr to you." I mean it when I say it. Who wants to be in a permanent state of sadness and bewilderment? There has to be some light after 19 months. So I shake myself and say "to hell with it". What if I just accept that I am single and this is my life? Yes it's sad that he's gone and I'll never forget him. But what if I start here? Right now. Start fresh.
So I try. I briefly get excited by the motion that I can fix my financial problems by starting my own business again, working my ass off, taking the kids on holiday (well my youngest anyway at the very least as the two boys would probably puke at the motion). So the excitement lasts a while, I feel good, I feel Diarmuid would smile his approval. And then BANG. Out of the blue, no warning, no build up, Grief comes back uninvited and throws me back down again, spinning me around violently not too unlike Gandalf doing 360s in Saruman's gaff. Grief is a sneaky bastard.
I'm tired. Tired of being tired, tired of being knocked back down, tired of being positive and having it fail fast, tired of constantly trying to re-invent myself. Tired of wading through molasses. I'll just have a quick lie down in it.
Grief won't win. I know that. But for now I'm just a bit too tired to tackle that monster again. The score for this particular battle, here and now, today, - Me 0, Grief 1. Grief won this battle but I intend to win the war.