This is just shit. It's pouring rain here. I slept through the alarm. Damn, damn, damn. This seems to be getting harder. I'm getting angrier. Money's getting tighter. My plan to possibly escape for the summer with the kids to a nice holiday home by the sea is definitely well and truly gone to pot. I can't afford it. So it looks like we're stuck here for the summer, with the usual mess, housework, demands, rain etc. etc.
Yesterday was Father's Day. Like we needed another reminder of what we've lost. I went to the grave with my 15 year old and 8 year old. We stood in the rain and put a plant and flowers on the grave. Our hearts broke. What did my children do to deserve this? They've always been good. They've always loved their Dad and been loved by him. Their lives are just starting and all they're left with is me to guide them and reassure them. Honestly, that realisation is enough to push me to the final stages of insanity.
Fuck off life. You suck.
EDITED TO ADD: A strange thing just happened. The day that D passed away I took his wedding ring off his finger to save it. Later I attached it to a gold chain and wore it to the funeral services. But the day after the funeral I had a red raw rash running right around my neck. Turns out the gold chain was more like tin and rust (thanks Mam!). So I took it off, put it down and later that day I saw the chain on the floor with no ring. Oh god! I really thought the dog had swallowed it or somehow manhandled it enough to bury it. I was just washing up some plates and cups and I have a little container next to the sink to hold sponges and cloths. There was the ring sitting right there. Well I know I've cleaned that container plenty of times in the last few months. How did it get there? I am very relieved.
You are absolutely right Deb. Life can be so cruel. Neither you nor your children deserved any of this.
ReplyDeleteI am just a couple of weeks behind you and it really sucks, as you say. I am finding that writing helps, particularly when it’s pouring with rain and it’s difficult to motivate myself to do even the most basic stuff.
Keep writing Deb. I’m a great believer in sharing. And some days, as you also say, do get better when you least expect it.
Ginu
Thank you Ginu and I'm truly sorry for your loss too xxx
ReplyDeleteCholangiocarcinoma took the life of the finest man I have ever known. Sadly, he only lived three weeks past his diagnosis. I don't know what to say to you except that you are not alone in grief and yet I realize that your grief, pain and anger are uniquely yours. My only advice is for you to pour your life into your children. They are the best and greatest part you have of your dear husband.
ReplyDeleteBrent
USA-Virginia