Seething... terrified...

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” 

 - C.S. Lewis, 'A Grief Observed'

Here I am, almost 3 months on, and I still feel unfocused and bogged down by a myriad of different emotions, swirling around in my head and heart, making it hard to move forward.

The anger is consuming me at times. It could be just a word or an expression or one simple action that sets me off, leaving me seething with rage. I don't know if the rage is justified (unlikely?) or if it's grief playing tricks on me, distracting me perhaps from my loss. I don't want to leave a trail of people in my wake only to discover down the road that I should have just taken a step back and a deep breath or ten. This anger is real but is it really real?

The loneliness is hard to take. And the positivity is impossible to take. I noticed that some people believe that if they're positive and happy all the time, it will rub off on me and I'll ease up on being depressed. It's insane though. I am what I am and I feel what I feel. Our whole lives have changed forever and no amount of sunshine or smiles is going to impact that.

I'm terrified, petrified, immobilised. I'm supposed to move forward as a single parent now. A SINGLE PARENT. Me? Jesus.